Much like humans, Bertha is also suffering. Grocery shopping has become a dance of tetras. No, it’s not trying to fit things in her fridge or freezer that is a whole different animal. She is playing Jenga with her bills to fit everything in, then going to the grocery store to find what will extend a full month. How humans think they can spend a month of salary or social security on one holiday meal is insane. Guys, you have to go beyond that turkey. Trust me that bird isn’t going to fly any farther.
She has devised a system that she deploys each time she thinks of doing something crazy. No, kneeing someone in the groin is separate, she has a plan for that too. She gives her face and body a hard look, shows no mercy. If she is seeing a monkey staring back at her, she knows it’s time for some serious work. Hey, things deflate, need a refill, things need a good wax, pluck, sometimes a harness, never a G string. That is way too dangerous for a sheep. Must we go there? Wigs need to be fixed, snarl removed and upper lips waxed and under eye bags, hidden. That takes money. If she doesn’t have it, she must improvise.
Trump’s miserable plan just isn’t cutting it. Who knew duct tape had so many uses? Wait, what are you thinking, because sheep are thinking that, but that is for another rant. No, duct tape is wonderful. She uses that to hold the wigs on her head, waxes her legs, pits, repairs deflating implants, even has used it as a harness when things go south. The bike pump is sort of working; it has taken a lot of blowing things to keep them up. Yes, we heard what we just said. Dirty minds think alike. Crisco has doubled as lotion, tanning lotion, face cream. Preparation H isn’t bad for under eye bags, but she prefers tea bags. I know, a tea bag situation, sort of.
What do you expect, when bills come first over beauty. One learns to improvise. If things need a good braid, well, we just have to go back to plyers. The sting uncrosses the eyes. Ladies you need to do what you need to do, no judgement. Bertha totally gets it. Ok, when she is done with her tackle box, mind out of the gutter, she looks at her grocery list. Coffee is a safety issue, so yes please. Ditto for chocolate, and strangely grapefruit. Men won’t get it, some might. She refuses to overextend her budget. Nope, she is not going to go broke trying to create a Norman Rockwell event. Santa gets it too. He is on a Jenga budget, but not for those he chooses to gift.
Bertha has learned to get the most bangs for the buck. No blowing needed. That comes if she has energy left over. She is learning to keep things in her pantry, fridge and freezer, while getting a facial, uplift, and a fix for hot flashes. Show us a holiday meal that will do all of that with leftovers. We don’t think so. You are still wondering about that damn G string aren’t you? You asked for it, it’s not pretty.
Blame the politico who insisted she go bare. Bertha does not go bare for anyone. Have you seen the crying game? Santa has. She tried a G string only to get all twisted up, stuck and trying not to release violet flavored OH NO’s! Puppy kept trying to undo her, only to get his carrot caught, and then he was crying. Damn Epstein, he had to fix her up with that perv. Does it take a rocket scientist to figure out who the perv was? No, Bill isn’t into that, neither is Hillary, or Obama. And you thought he was just into little kids. Now, are we talking about Donald or Putin or both? That incident left her very sore and more exposed than being full frontal. Things are not supposed to get caught, trapped, unless you are in a Diddy video. We warned you, and this is the clean version, we won’t go any further.
But for reals, Bertha understands the pain humans are going thru. If you think Eminem is telling it like it is, and he is folks, like it or not, sheep are going to totally piss you off. No lies, cheating, trying to snow the public to undo the mess Trump has created. Those who still think the economy is great, we are safer than ever, prices have gone down, terrorism is caused by immigrants, and grocery prices have gone down? Yo, we have some home sheep who will tell you that killing national guards, innocent people in the street, those whose opinions you don’t like, judges and congress members you threaten with death threats, idiots in office who can’t flush a toilet, much less attempt detente, must we go on?
The economy is in the trotter; we are not safer with Trump in office nor any of his minions. It’s time to get real folks, it’s time to go street on his behind. Medieval is good too, we won’t snarf at that, but to just accept status quo? That isn’t an option. This is why Santa has Trump et all on his Naughty list. He knows what is happening and isn’t looking the other way. When economy issues hit the North Pole, effecting Santa, his elves and reindeer, that is time to grab him by the produce, and send his behind and his cronies packing. You thought this was going to be nice and candy sweet. Bertha is snarfing, the girl is actually heaving, causing her tits to fly out and toucas to fly.
Sheep will always tell it straight, it isn’t going to be PC and it won’t be filled with violets and daffodils, Puppy is romping produce in solidarity. We feel you puppy. Sheep feel your frustration and pain. You are welcome.
Happy Kwanza, Chanukah, Christmas, Mozel Tov to all who celebrate in their own way. Sheep are not going to judge you. Whatever makes you happy, sing, tweet, speak your mind, stay afloat your way. Sheep want you to know we are with you always, have your backs.
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