For those who might be wondering what is happening at the North Pole, sheep thought it be a good idea to keep little eyes and ears from this post. Sheep understand the need to protect little ones from hearing unflattering hard truths about what really goes on.
Santa is preparing for his big visit Christmas Eve. The elves are busy preparing the toys for good little girls and boys, adults, pets, and all not on his naughty list. Yes, there have been a few weave wars, as some of the elves are pissed about job equality, the need to keep horny reindeer from having their way with some of the girls. How many times do we have to remind you, just because they are up north, they still need to get their groove on. Some are into the swirl, others nose candy, still others into farm animals, and then there are those who are into well, dirty old men. Santa doesn’t really care what they are into so long as the jobs get done. Hello, yes, we went there. It’s the holidays, sheep are allowed a few double entendres. Yo, those whose virgin ears might get offended might we suggest going to the RFK wing. This is for those who like a little buzz with their egg nog.
So, as we were saying the elves are keeping busy, making sure not to confuse adult toys with those for children, not that they wouldn’t find a use for them, just not during the holidays. Mrs. Claus has been trying to keep her figure with Ozempic, though we have caught her sneaking a cookie or two, a pint of bourbon, that box of bourbon balls, the canister filled with cannabis brownies Rudolph had stashed. , candy canes that were marked green, um those were special ones to make reindeer fly. Helloo, you thought it was pixie dust, nope, that is for those long hours when reindeer need that extra something to keep them flying.
Santa is looking again at the naughty list, and every time Donald and Mike Johnson’s name came up, well, let’s just say it wasn’t just reindeer flying. Expletives flew out of Santa’s mouth like crap through geese. For every stupid, illegal, constipated, amoral, greedy, lying, conniving, utterly despicable item found, for the rising numbers of victims, a new word was invented in another language. He is on Santa’s shit list for life, along with all who aid and abet him, collude with him, assist him, they too won’t find sweet nothings in their stockings this year. Loud requests for more of those special “chocolate pies, brownies laced with laxatives, Swiss Kriss.” names were slapped on those beautifully decorated boxes with those chosen names on them. The gifts that keep on giving.
The toys for those some left behind, would come in peace, hope and charity, food drops, with parcels for blankets, bedding, medical supplies to war torn countries. Mrs. Claus made special cookies and treats as well to be distributed with small toys elves made. Just because Donald is a scrouge, and Mike is the grinch, does not mean the reindeer and elves, Santa have forgotten them. For those who were attacked, killed for celebrating Hannukah, he had gifts of gilt for the children, dreidels for games, meals for those who missed those delicacies. Santa may not be Jewish but is a man of all seasons and faiths. He refuses to discriminate.
The big ride is a few days away, so getting the reindeer up to snuff, out of the snuff and well, back to snuff meant no binges. No reindeer games with the girls, no let’s play hide the sausage with the elves, they had to go hard core, no pun intended. Of course, there were noises of snarfing and whining, some were playing the pan flute, whatever it took to get it done. He needed his boys rough and ready for a long flight. You can take the approach of that being a bit harsh, however, they did have the opportunity for a bit of dirty dancing when they flew. The choice was theirs. Nobody said we knew what really goes on, did we?
So loading the sleigh each elf took a toy or two or three for each child, nobody puts children in a corner and tells them you can only have one. If you were good, and were kind, gave back, Santa knew what to give whom. Setting up flight plans was dicey as they have to fly over Venezuela so as to avoid the idiocy of an illegal attack, on what Trump might deems Santa’s sleigh as a drug cartel. Hey, let’s face it, the guy is a tool. If Rudolph is not showing up on Norad, as reindeer and a flying dirty old man, anything could happen. Santa was prepared for an ICE raid on his elves. NO KIDNAPPING. That meant reindeer or elves. No unlawful raids on the sleigh. No banging the reindeer and calling it Urban Flyboy. No Yippy Kayee you reindeer fuckers. Bruce that was for you.
You might hear the thunder of the clap, a dose of the trots, it might come with bells or a snort or swizzle. You might think you are seeing things flying thru the skies, red for Putin, Green for our good guys. You might get a dose of some white stuff, not snow, the other white treat. To the porch pirates we see you, don’t forget you are on the naughty list too. To those in the cabinet or still in the closet, we see you, nothing but good times, days and good cheer. To the uptight dames in those damn MAGGOT hats, take them off, have no fear. Santa brings good things to those who believe, who will be treated with fairness and speed.
Santa hears the Kennedy ‘s lament, put it back, you daft prick, you can’t change things you did not earn. To the public losing OBAMA care or whose fees will double, he hears your tears. All good things come to those who wait, just keep on reminding yourself, don’t take the bait. Those fake checks, I’d make sure they clear, they might be written with invisible ink, with a sign of the beast. That is why the naughty list exists, not for those who did good, but for those who lie and did the pooch, literally, but the cat isn’t sharing.
Once again sheep say, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Kwanza, Hannukah, or whatever you choose. We celebrate all of you.
Leave a comment