Is it just sheep, or is anyone else getting call-bombed by telemarketers? You know they are not going to give up until you buy something or give up your bank info. Oh sure, you can tell them to naff off, let them know they are insufferable little twats, and ask if their mother was a Muppet. Bertha had a few ideas we think would be good to try, because why not? She is going to ask them if they have called Mitch to see if he is interested in what they are selling?
This is where the fun comes in; pay attention. If they say they think he is passed on, ask, “Are you sure? “Did you take his pulse? Is it possible he is there but not registering on all 4 wheels? If he is on all 4 wheels, has he sent in his excuse for not applying for your product? You do know to sell him anything, he has to be there. Not here, but there. If he is there, then why are you calling me? I am here, not there, and I won’t be here for much longer. Now, does that mean I have passed on and am actually a dead parrot? Am I a stiff? No, I don’t have a stiffy, yes, I think I would recall that if I did. Do you have a stiff? Are you sure? You would remember that, don’t you think? Is it at half-mast? Not quite full frontal, but more than Mitch, but less than Lindsey. What am I talking about? Well, I think you would know what you are talking about if you knew what I am talking about. You know I know. You know I know what you are trying to do. How do I know what you are trying to do? You don’t know how I know what you know? And you want to sell me life insurance. I don’t think you are cut out for this.
In fact, you can try to sell Donald; he likes to talk about himself. See if you can sell him first. Tell him you tried to talk to Mitch, but Mitch is not responding. You think he has a stiffy, but you are not sure. No, you don’t know if he is stiff; are you asking? I am not asking. You are asking. I am telling you I can assure you I am very alive. I am so alive; I am alive with pleasure. No, I don’t smoke, but I am cool as a cucumber. In fact, I am so alive I am ready to beat the hell out of the dead parrot, whom we are not sure is actually dead. He could be, but we are not sure. He isn’t here. His name is Mitch. No, we don’t know if that Mitch is alive either. Nobody seems to know if he is alive or there, or missing in action, or hasn’t had any action in a long time. No, we don’t know if his wife has had any. She isn’t there. No, we think she is alive, but we don’t know. Is she stiff? Define stiff exactly.
I got my parts caught in a vacuum, or too much Botox, pulled too tight. No filler is that plaster crap they insert with a tube. No, you don’t blow on it. You don’t get out much, do you? Too much Maun Jaro, I can’t breathe. No, we don’t know if she is stiff. Do you know if she is stiff? You have not seen her. Have you seen him? You think he voted in the midterms. You have not seen him. How there was he? Did he know if he was there?
Wait, are you still the telemarketer from yesterday? This is the office of Mitch McConnell? Are you sure? You don’t know if you are sure? You think you are sure, but they have not told you if you are or not? I see. So, you know we know what you know. In fact, we know that you know we can know without knowing. You know? Do you want to know what I know that you don’t know? Just when you thought you could hide all of the dead bodies. You don’t know if you are hiding Lyndsey? You do know he is a stiff, has gone on to the great beyond, and is, in fact, a dead parrot. Will they dress him in that little blue number? Donald loved that one; the heels set it off when he moved. No, when Lyndsey moved. We don’t know what moves he tried.
So, if you are the office telemarketer, what are you trying to sell me? Because you didn’t sell me on Mitch. I know you know. I think most of the public knows. Maggots don’t know? Did they ask? What did you tell them? You couldn’t tell them because you don’t know. Well, here is a pretty good clue; pay attention. If he hasn’t been seen or heard, there is a very good chance he isn’t here. If he has not tried to give the finger or used the finger, he hasn’t spoken to his missing wife. I think he would remember that. He would beg to have his privacy violated; that would for sure let him know he was there. Because he hasn’t, we don’t think he is still here.
If you decide you want to call back, just ask for Bertha. Bertha is a sheep, a very transgendered, multicultural, sheep of Lyndsey’s dreams. Do we know if he had a go with her? Bertha does not kiss and tell. He can’t tell, and she won’t. Is she alive? She is so alive she is flaunting them as we speak. You want her number in case someone else comes out of the closet? You would know. It’s like a faucet there, no, not there, there. It’s like whack-a-mole in chambers. You boff one, and another comes up for more. Don’t you all ever give it up? Oh, you do; that is the problem, yes, so we see. Hmmm, ok. Well, I think we know who you need to call. If Mitch answers, tell him to tell you we knew.
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