Like you, Bertha and Puppy are in the same boat when it comes to trying to stay afloat in this economy. We feel the same pressures, deal with insane rents, We go to the store and see the insane prices that never show signs of reduction. Bertha has had to come up with creative ways to make items multitask. We admit that some are totally deranged even for sheep. We thought we might share with you her new normal.
I don’t care if you are male, female, shemale, or sheep, we have discovered if you have things that need a crane, two words…duct tape. It is the new multitask item that does it all. Need a bra, duct tape. If you need to wax or man scape, duct tape is your girl. Throw in super glue and we guarantee nothing will fall off, out, or ooze. Now, we cannot do much about things that droop or hang to your knees. That requires a bicycle pump, a harness and well, yes, we will come back to that.
Sometimes you just need to reinvent yourself and cannot use items that are no longer affordable. Gone are the days of that smelly, white paste that was used for your face. Now it is preparation H. Oh, yes, it’s not just for hemorrhoids anymore. Even men have discovered to keep up with those damn generation Z and millennials, one cannot sport bags. No dears, not on the face or anywhere else. If things are drooping and you cannot afford Botox, or Maunjaro, its preparation H. Alum is another good one. Oh, that sucker will make everything look surprised. If you need to look puckered, but not tuckered, alum is your best friend. Do we have to remind you if you are going to let your toothbrush do double duty, you need one with some oomph. Ladies, we know you know what we mean. Keep batteries on hand for those nights you need a cheap thrill. Just don’t settle for those limp biscuits that are not rocking the scene. Guys might we suggest water balloons for those nights you cannot afford to go to those strip clubs. Hey, these are desperate times. They call for desperate measures.
ok, so we are trying to make you laugh, we get it. Things are so out of control, between schizophrenic price changes, and those barely hanging on. Bertha spoke to several homeless people to get a feel for what they are dealing with. Loud bull horns yelling for people to move, not a good look governor. Where do you expect them to go if you won’t allow them to live in their cars or tents, campers, or nonexistent shelters. Karens who are so nosy they get up in your business and won’t let you breathe. Really, what made you so mean Karen? Didn’t get a date to the prom? Someone beat you to the squash? Why are you so mean? Yenta, back off. Everything is not your business, and men, yes, you. You can be Karens too. Nobody needs to have their grass mowed every time a blade of it breaks wind. HOA’s need to go. You have dogs getting rope rash from the shards you have growing in your yards. If you see them scooting on your new rugs, blame yourselves.
Those trying to afford the basics, we feel your pain. Puppy was hoping to find his melons, yeah, we know we saw it. He had to settle for grapes. It is not the same. The little guy has had to cut back on his crudite platter. Zucchini went up, again, yes, we heard it. Watermelons have shrunk to the size of cantaloupes. Things get caught. It is just not the same for the little guy. He was used to stashing. Ok minds out of the gutter. He just does not get that same imbred monkey stupid response. Gone is the Italian squirm. Getting one’s, ya ya’s is not what it used to be, and cats just give the middle paw if you come near them. No doggy don’t even come close. The vacuum is worn out, it has had too much, and rodents, well, those damn pedophile republican congress and senators just can’t leave them alone. Its every man for himself now doggy, the cupboards are dry, that is what K-Y is for.
Sheep have been inhaling. No not to the tune of stink weed. It’s those elderly members of congress and the senate. Those filibusters keep them locked up, no depends, no wonder they are all crazy and cranky. Trump cut the budget for depends, toilet paper, bathroom breaks. Even Putin is saying comrades, you went too far. But he keeps asking for more money to keep his war going. Um, did someone forget to give him his meds? The little dude is sundowning again. Ya might want to yank his chain before he starts playing with the football. We know, he likes to look at the pretty colors. Yep, he is full on demented.
Folks, we know it is tough out there, we feel it too. Sheep have had to cut back on caffeine, so we know how you feel. Meat? I think we knew what that once resembled. No twinkies of any kind, no soda or chips. Haagen Daz is 15.00 a little pisser. Don’t make us discuss fruit or things that keep us sane. If junior wants to eat like a hog, feed him what millions of grannies used to. Beans, Bananas, things that fill up the bottomless pit. Trust me if they are hungry enough, they will eat it. Of course, the family cat might disappear too. Ajax, this would be a good time to hide.
We are all feeling the pain. Sheep get it, and to get through this, never lose yourself, sense of humor, ability to get through anything attitude. Sheep see you. A blue wave is coming folks; we will all get through this.
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