Bertha wants to be clear; she will never judge anyone for needing assistance of any kind. She has been there, tried to get corporate CEOs to donate to food banks, resulting in a lot of red tape, but nobody donating a dime. Ok, that brings us back to those who must rely on themselves to put food on the table for their families. People fall in between the cracks, get lost in the system, end up requiring assistance to live, feed themselves and family members. Sheep say it again, it is not a crime to need help. The world is not walking in your shoes.
Bertha has had to learn to improvise to keep her youthful good looks. No more going to a spaaaaaa, or buying Chanel, Louboutin’s or Manolo Blahnik’s, buying 300 face cream to hide bags, under eye circles, or getting things done. Now it is Preparation H, Duct tape, Plaster, Coffee for that night of debauchery, bicycle pumps to keep things up, perky and a harness for those who can no longer tie them in a bow. Yes, women have it a lot worse than men. Dragon lady nails? No. Fake eye lashes and weaves? Only if you are one of those strange cats suffering from premature baldness. Don’t forget the power of alum. No, if everything has fallen, gone sideways and just left, even Allah himself can’t save you. Funds spent on maintaining your Za Za Zu, need to go to buying milk, eggs, pasta, bread, meat, peanut butter, fruit and veggies. I know priorities, Bertha gets it. She has seen her looks go from Hello sailor to just a grunt and moan. You are talking the difference between living on the street, no car, nada, to maybe not having everything we want, but getting one thing a month, and need. You still might grunt and moan, no guarantees. In this economy we can’t have both. Gone are the days when that was possible. Under the control of senior psychopath and his band of nazis, they want you broke, locked up, voices silenced, unseen or heard, can’t vote, pregnant but won’t pay for baby formula or diapers, food, no housing, just nothing.
Guys, we know you too are suffering, no Viagra, so things are at half mast, can’t salute, or must try to shake it up before it revolts and says NO. No manicures, or manscaping, so even mice look at you and cringe. Sheep get it. No more nights out with the guys, or ladies. You chose to buy that overpriced, fancy car to impress people. Now guess what, the repo truck has taken it, you still owe on it, can’t pay that, nor bills, nor loans you got. Did you really need to be an influencer, faking it until you make it, going broke doing so? No, you did not. Cheech, it’s like this, nobody at the welfare office is going to show sympathy. You might lose your section 8, your crib, end up back to square one. Ladies, same thing.
Sometimes we just have to suck it up. Bite the bullet and take it. No temper tantrums, destroying stores, it’s not their fault. Take that anger out at the voting booth. Vote out those trying to control you. Bertha has to do it too. Do we like it? NO. But we cannot afford legal fees, felonies, for that candy bar you cannot get on your food stamps. If you want chips buy a large bag and make smaller bags which tricks your brain into thinking you have your treats. You might spend 4 or 5 dollars initially but go back and do the math. Each of those half-filled or near empty bags at the store are running up to two dollars apiece. Your money will run out very fast if you insist on buying them each time. You want that box of cupcakes or Twinkies? Buy them once a month. Make each a special treat. Bertha learned all of those tricks. No fights at the checkout line. She is buying those items not on the days, she uses her stamps with cash? Nobody can say squat. Yes, it is that easy.
Food stamps are not going to be around forever, and at some point, we all have to use them wisely. So, get rid of the snips and snails and puppy dog tails, save your money to afford items you really need. Sheep are going to get rocks thrown our way. How can transgender sheep know what it’s like not get everything we want? Bertha and puppy have walked in your shoes and are still walking in your shoes.
Puppy needs his produce, we mean he NEEDS to get his ya ya’s off. No amount of playing fetch is going to cut it for the little guy. He needs to grope his melons at least once a day, and don’t get us going on zucchini. Those poor bastards end up with a look of shock and awe, then the crudite platter for later. If he cannot get those items at the store, the town terrier suffers. Cats look at him with that don’t even think about it, smirk. Bertha has to use her stamps to buy basics, plus produce, lots of it.
We are all in this together, and Bertha understands because she has been there. We will all get through this together, not with violence or yelling. Use that anger at the voting booth and vote them all out. Trust us, the short-lived pain now will be worth the long-term days of common sense.
Plan on your locating a job you can get funds for emergencies, and no getting your nails, tits and ass blown are not emergencies. Needing a high-tech phone to do selfies and videos on Tik Tok do not qualify. Go old school and stash your money where its safe, and available if and when you need it. Bertha had to stop stuffing her bra because it kept deflating her implants. She has to eat that nasty, dried croaker. No, she is not pulling out the old codger. Her job as a phone rep is keeping her afloat. Those paychecks are getting stashed. Pretty soon she can afford a half full bag of Doritos. She might have to forgo the latte that is mostly sugar with a teaspoon of coffee, but that half full bag of snacks can’t be taken by anyone. She paid cash. You can do the same. Now we don’t expect you to go out and find an old croaker or pull out the old codger. Just get yourself something that will give enough for you and your family. Sheep know you can do it.
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